Good sex, forced sex and points in between

Before you click away from one more article on sexual misconduct, what do you think of this: gadgets as the answer to sexual violence?  The article details a number of ingenious repellants to rape.  My first thought was, while a gadget might prevent vaginal rape, the resulting rage may very well provoke physical injury or death.  Surely the answer lies elsewhere.

The article reminded me of the teaching tool I used in high schools – the continuum of consent.  I would draw a line on the board.  At the right end of the continuum, I wrote violent sexual assault.  Starting at the left side of the continuum, I wrote mutual consent, then playful seduction, coercion and so on back in the direction of forcible sex.  The current tsunami of sexual misconduct allegations lives here in the centre of the continuum: coercion due to male entitlement and power.

On a call-in show today, I heard the phrase “feminist agenda” regarding the latest misconduct allegations against local politicians.  The caller blamed media’s political leanings and feminists for ruining careers.  Callers also wanted to know why women do not just walk away from a bad situation.  “She was of age”, is the argument.  Susan Cole writes, “…women tend to want to ‘solve’ the situation rather than remove themselves”.  She adds, “How about talking?  Ask a woman what she wants and when she answers, take her seriously”.

But even mutual consent on the left of the continuum is not always straightforward.

After an early dismissal from jury selection the other day, a young woman recognized me from puberty classes I had taught about two decades before.  She said she had thought of me lately as she was trying to figure out what consent means. To celebrate this unexpected gift of time, we decided to continue to chat over coffee.

She believes one should ask for consent every time.  I asked her, “every time what?  Every time you kiss, every time you seem to be heading towards intercourse?”  She is married and said that her husband knows her so well that consent for any intimate activity is unspoken.

As an educator, my question is, how do we promote affirmative, ongoing consent for adolescents, for adults who have just met, and, yes, even for couples that have been together for years? How do we engage all genders to desire true intimacy and the communication skills to find it?

People who were brought up in a society where rape culture is prevalent may experience misguided expectations leading to miscommunication: mixed signals coupled with a lack of self awareness and clarity.  Even if one has overtly agreed to a particular form of sexual intimacy, there may still be discomfort, distaste or regret during the act – or afterwards.

Zosia Bielski quotes Karen B. K. Chan, a Toronto-based sex and emotional-literacy educator. “We have been saying for a while now that consent is a low bar. It is the lowest bar there is. After that, we need to talk about sexual pleasure and good sex – sex that you actually want to have…” .  Her article raises the notion of good sex .

Lili Loufbourow takes up the issue writing about pain during vaginal sex.

Research shows that 30 percent of women report pain during vaginal sex, 72 percent report pain during anal sex, and ‘large proportions’ don’t tell their partners when sex hurts.”

During classes on sexual assault I would pose the following question: Is it OK to say no at any time?  In other words, is it ever OK to interrupt sexual activity once it has started?  Most students were ready to acknowledge that one could.  The question remains, do we actually do this?

While there may not be pain during a sexual activity, there may not be pleasure either; for example, it may be boring.  If it is not pleasurable, what is the point of continuing?  We agree to sexual activities for a variety of reasons; and we may not be proud of all of them.  We may acquiesce because it is expected, or because of our partner’s needs; we may not want to hurt their feelings; we may not want to jeopardize the relationship; we may hope that it will start to feel better soon – as it sometimes does.  While we may have progressed beyond the Victorian dictum “close your eyes and think of England”, we want a great deal more.  Why should we have to work ourselves into a state of desire with a partner who is unaware of its absence?

I remember an incident with a long-term partner.  I had lost interest in the proceedings and told him so.  He got very angry, sat up in bed and said in a menacing voice, “But I want to”.  That incident could have ended up quite differently than our turning away from each other in distress and anger.

The WHO definition of sexual health includes “the possibility of having pleasurable and safe sexual experiences, free of coercion, discrimination and violence”.   No gadget will get you there.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Women in Lust – The Sex Goddess Project

In April of this year, I attended the Toronto International Porn Festival.  I spent a few hours watching films – and clips of films – curated from the last ten years of feminist pornography.  I am not a consumer, but I figured any sex educator worth her salt should dip in every now and again.  I’m glad I did: There was fun; there was joy; and consent was the order of the day.

My views of pornography had evolved over the years.  Consumer prevalence remains high.  An article in the Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality reports that, when asked about their recent online solitary arousal experiences, 91.7% of the men interviewed said they had watched sexually explicit videos involving men and women; and 47.4% of the women.  The sample: 239 young adults at a Canadian university.  Current mainstream heterosexual pornography, where the scenes are rough and misogynistic, appeals particularly to young adult males.  While they work for self-pleasuring, they are not so good at helping men figure out how to be good lovers.

There is quite a difference between what one considers to be great sex and popular depictions of sex aside from pornography.  On TV doc-and-police shows, the scene goes straight from the mutual recognition that two people want to get it on, to ripping off each other’s clothes at the nearest opportunity.  No slow build and little context.  And standard, gorgeous bodies.

In the new TV series, The Good Fight, so far, there is only one loving, ongoing intimate relationship – Maia and her wife – and sadly, their sexual intimacy gets splashed all over the Internet in retaliation for her father’s Ponzi scheme.  Maia’s mother has a long-term adulterous relationship with her brother-in-law.  Lucca the lawyer, (remember her from The Good Wife?) seems to be as cold blooded as The Good Wife’s Kalinda.  Diane Lockhart sleeps with her ex-husband, which she says the next morning, was nice, but then refuses to renew their relationship beyond friendship.

Perhaps the lack of relatable intimate relationships is a metaphor for the series’ theme of whom to trust.  After all, trust is the hallmark of a positive relationship.  And from vanilla to kink, consent needs to be the order of the day.

Enter Ricardo Scipio

Ricardo contacted me about his newest book, “The Sex Goddess Project”.  Huffington Post recently interviewed him about it and  included some of his photos.  I liked what I saw and willingly posted excerpts from his press release on my professional Facebook page.

Says Scipio,

“If sexual images were food, people would be inundated with cheap junk food. I wanted to create a body of work that offers something more nutritious and satisfying for the health conscious, more discerning palette.”

He sent me a preview of photos from his latest book.  Lucky me: I had the opportunity to peruse dozens of images of women having a lusty old time doing all kinds of sexual activities in a variety of positions with a variety of partners.  These images reminded me of those I had seen at the porn festival – except they are not porn.

Scipio is not producing porn, which he doesn’t watch and whose messages he abhors.

“I’m a lover of all things authentic, and porn isn’t authentic.”

“Women have for too long, and in too many cultures, had their sexuality suppressed – only to be pseudo-released within the stiflingly unkind world of porn. I’m extremely humbled and proud to provide a vehicle for women to unapologetically express themselves with love and authenticity; something porn cannot offer. Sex is way too important to leave in the hands of pornographers.”

His photos portray real people of all body types, skin tones, genders and orientations. One of his models said,

“This was important.  It was a chance to be an activist in the sensual world. To reclaim sex for the othered bodies. The fatties, the people of color. To call bullshit on the ones who say ‘we’ don’t do this simply because they had never seen it done.”

Many of the women in his photos are looking straight at the camera with a huge smile on their face.  It is not the come-on of porn: It’s “Look at me; I am having such a good time”.  Most of the focus is on their pleasure.

To be honest, I did not get a buzz from the photos; my pleasure as a viewer was aesthetic and political.

His models understand this:

“Let’s just say that the bloom is beginning to fade. I’m a 51-year old woman who is 150 lbs overweight…  After Ricardo asked if I would be photographed for his Sex Goddess book, I realized that showing the inner me – the one who loves sex and feels that it is her special, healing gift – should be shown in full daylight. Yes, I’m fat. Yes, I’m older. However, I don’t want to be shamed into feeling badly about my body because our culture deems it ‘ugly’ or ‘gross’ to be sexual if you’re of a certain age and size…”

I am looking forward to seeing the rest of the collection.  The book is not available to the general public – just to Scipio’s supporters and those who collect his work. However, in order to showcase the “ethos” of the project, he is planning an invitation-only online gallery screening for Canadians on May 20 and 21. Anyone can request an invitation.  I recommend that you do.

 

 

“Pink Viagra” approved in US: Big Win for Big Pharma

Is Addyi coming to a drugstore near you?

With the Canadian purchase of Sprout, the company that convinced the US Food and Drug Administration to approve flibanserin (now marketed as Addyi), Canadian approval may not be far behind.  Does this medication really “even the score” with men by increasing women’s sexual desire?

The New View Campaign (http://www.newviewcampaign.org/) has been arguing for years that female sexual dysfunction was manufactured to pave the way for a medication to treat it.  The Journal of Medical Ethics agreed in their commentary, “Hypoactive sexual desire disorder: inventing a disease to sell low libido” (http://jme.bmj.com/content/early/2015/06/28/medethics-2014-102596.short).

But female sexuality and desire are complex.  Back in 2004, a CME (continuing medical education) guide was written to help doctors integrate the “New View” approach.  They included a section on the medicalization of male sexual problems and a similar history for women, including an account of the search for a female medication akin to Viagra, which had already begun by the late 1990s.  The CME detailed a step by step response to this medicalization.  They began by explaining that women’s sexual problems may be due to:

  • sociological, political or economic factors
  • problems relating to their partner and relationship
  • psychological factors
  • medical factors

Clearly, no medication is going to address all of these issues.

The big sell for a female equivalent to Viagra began with faulty research, which soon became medical gospel.  The New View Campaign repeatedly criticized the oft quoted 43% figure, which was said to represent the total prevalence of sexual dysfunction for women 18 – 59.  Where did this figure come from?  The researchers, including two authors paid by Pfizer, asked 1500 women to answer “yes” or “no”, if they had experienced any of seven problems – for example, lack of desire or difficulty with lubrication – two months or more in the past year.  If they answered “yes” to even one of these questions, they were popped into the sexual dysfunction category.

There is no clear biological indicator for abnormally low desire because desire is entirely subjective.  In order to be diagnosed with female sexual interest/arousal disorder, one must report “significant distress” which is also highly subjective.  Given the above list, what woman has not had life experiences that tamp down her desire or ability to lubricate?  Just had a baby?  Don’t touch me.  In a loveless relationship?  You don’t need lube or a pill.

There were already two failed attempts to get the FDA to approve flibanserin despite their widely publicizing the (manufactured) need for it.  The FDA cited lack of effectiveness (4.4 satisfying sexual experiences vs. 3.7 for women taking a placebo: a whopping difference of 0.8%).  There was also concern about side effects (e.g., dizziness, nausea, fatigue, insomnia).  In fact, many women discontinued participation in the clinical trials because of these side effects.  And for women who like a glass of wine before sex, forget about it.  Flibanserin’s concentration – and accompanying side effects – increases with alcohol.  There is a similar increase if she is using oral contraceptives or other common medications.  Moreover, a woman would have to take a daily pill without expecting any change for weeks, as is the case with anti-depressants.

The International Business Times agrees “it is more like an antidepressant and works by changing brain chemistry over time, in a similar way to serotonin and dopamine. While male Viagra is taken before engaging in sexual activity to increase blood flow to areas of the body to help treat erectile dysfunction, Flibanserin is to be taken daily to improve sexual desire over time.” (http://www.ibtimes.co.uk/female-viagra-addyi-approved-us-what-flibanserin-how-does-it-work-1516090)

What’s a drug company to do?

The third attempt was preceded by the creation of Even the Score (http://eventhescore.org/the-problem/), backed by pharmaceutical companies – a brilliant marketing ploy.  They argued that medical sexism was withholding medication from women whose sexual desire was perceived as less important than men’s.  Co-opting feminism is an old game, but one which, in this case, was very effective.  They won the American round.

It remains to be seen if Canadian women will fall for the same ploy.

Don’t believe the hype.

Read more:

Drug Facts Box: http://www.informulary.com/informulary-drug-fact-boxes/addyi-for-women-distressed-by-decreased-sex-drive